A feeling of relief came to me when I woke up on the morning of January 1st, 2021. I had made it through my first holiday season after the loss of my mom. Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was tougher, and the sadness of not being able to call my mom at midnight to celebrate the new year lingered through the night as I struggled to fall asleep in the early morning hours of 2021.
Entering the new year I am still filled with grief. I know grief is never-ending and the relief of making it through the holiday season was unfortunately a fast fleeting feeling. I woke up relieved to have made it through these triggering holiday times, but that night, I again did what I always do--think about the loss of my mom, how she lost her life, the unfairness, the pain, and like clockwork—struggled to fall asleep.
Grief can be overwhelming and it’s become a habitual feeling for me--but I felt like the new year would help, maybe it has a little, but the truth is, even when you enter a new year and hope for change, everything surrounding your life and grief, is still the same.
What this new year will bring me is the first full year of my life without my mom. That is what has stuck out to me most, but I will try to make this year full of what my mom would want for me--happiness and healing.
My mom never wanted anything but the absolute best for me. I will do my hardest to make that a reality this year, and through my pain and grief, I will look to support others through their grief journeys while also getting grief support of my own.
My goal will be to live in the precious present moments life gives me, and I will do my best to honor my mom by living. The new year has brought me the desire to live, and to live for my mom. It will be my only thought, focus, and resolution. Not only to live for my mom by honoring her spirit through Judy’s Way by helping others, but to live my life to the fullest. With every beautiful thing I see and every happy experience I am able to have, I won’t reject the feelings, but instead I will try to feel and appreciate them even more—I will try to feel them deeply to honor my mom. I will live and try to thrive because of her.
-Alex