Give yourself credit for trying. Give yourself credit for getting out of bed. Give yourself credit for eating and staying hydrated.
These acts take a lot of effort when going through grief, but with time, they can be done—it’s not easy but they can be accomplished.
It’s important to not put pressure on yourself, if that’s a week after loss or a year, or even two. Feeling is important. Health is also important. But what they don’t tell you about grief is the lulls. The lulls that overtake your life—daily, or weekly—there is no anticipating it.
It’s a riddle that has an obvious answer—the lull is brought forth by loss and grief that has become apart of you. I’ll wake up with all the intentions in the world to work hard and get certain tasks done in the day. It usually starts off okay, with some small accomplishments, but out of no where, the lull. The difficulty in doing anything becomes overwhelming, and --the cold blank look that develops on my face moves through my entire body.
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I am down on my feelings—luck no longer exists within me
I stare off, waiting for changes within me that seem as distant as a shore I can’t yet see
Life ticks
Anger within me arises and it’s directed at myself
Do something, please do something
I sit and wait—
The night comes and it’s the only remedy to tomorrow's attempt of trying again
At least I shower
At least I eat
But sleep is far more difficult and results in an in and out, eyes open and shut—
Turning and tossing until morning
I try again with hope—maybe today will be more successful
Sometimes it is, more often it’s not
I’m stuck in a cyclical lull
A repetitive lullaby I am lost inside, with repeating words and angers that I am so desperately trying to escape
But this is my unescapable life and I must live in this lull
Desperate to escape
This lingering grief that I know is never ending
The lull is within me now
What's necessary is to weep--not just for my lost loved one, but for what I now am
I will fight and try not to allow the lull to continually make me weak
It’s not a choice, I know
But I’m desperate to escape
I will fight for what I have lost
This lull is a part of me
And I will live for us both now
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While writing this blog, this freeform poem started to come out of me—the first creative writing I have done since the loss of my mom. The lull, that I am currently stuck inside has lead me into that poem. I’m not sure it makes full sense or that I like the way it flows. But I have left it untouched for you all to see. I have suffered pain I didn’t know existed. I have felt anger and sadness, so deep—that all I want to do is scream. I have screamed. I have hurt my throat so bad that I can barely speak.
But I have learned that vulnerability makes me stronger.
Judy's Way is more than just personal. We want to not only help those who are economically challenged, but we are committed to being open and a part of the grieving word we entered in April, 2020. We want to vulnerable, and we want the those who have lost to be free to speak about their pain.
Judy’s Way is for everyone who has gone through grief. We who have experienced great hurt will never be the same, but we can try and be there for others. Sometimes it does help.
We are all in this together.
-Alex